150 or so posts later, it is time to retire this blog. I've been using this one since sophomore year! My new blog for college adventures and whatnot can be found at sarahkalacrandall.blogspot.com.

LOVES.

It hasn't been a perfect fairy tale the past couple of weeks, but a few things give me hope:

1. The cute song you wrote for me before leaving for high adventure. (It's hanging in my room.)

2. The way you encourage me to keep running when we go to the gym even though my legs feel like jelly. I'm  not in the least athletic, but you've been so patient with me. I can't wait until we run my first 5k in two weeks!

3. Today while babysitting your niece and nephew, I saw that your boutonniere from Prom 2011 was on your dresser. It was shriveled up and dead, but still there. I first noticed it there the day you came home from the ER three months ago. It's a nice reminder. It means a lot to me that you've kept it.

I miss you and look forward to spending time with you for my birthday.

I just realized that in my last two posts, I wrote about how crazy everything is. I guess that explains it adequately. I also miscounted the days left until my birthday. As of right now, I have 5 days until I turn 18! Here's an exciting piece of news:

I'm starting classes at BYU next week!

I had received an extra scholarship to start in the summer, even though I was accepted for Fall 2012. I at first declined the scholarship, thinking I'd be busy with work and other things. After the job disaster I outlined in my last post, I knew I needed to change my plans. I knew there was something better planned for me! I spent all day yesterday getting my admission status changed to Summer 2012, registering for the already picked over classes, and un-declining my scholarship. Everything has worked out perfectly! I am so blessed:)

Anyway, I've been thoroughly cleaning my room. I started last week and have been working through mini projects. On Sunday, the RS lesson was about personal revelation. We talked about how having a clean and orderly home invites the Holy Spirit. How inspiring and timely! I have this folder of neat papers/poems I've written in different English classes throughout high school. I'd love to be able to throw this folder away without losing everything. Sooooo, I'm going to begin posting them more often!

The first one is a found poem (only words from the section can be used) based off of a scene from Charlotte Bronte's "Jane Eyre." (MY FAVORITE BOOK!) I was pretty pleased with it:)

I looked into my heart
With a strict hand.
There were wishes I had been cherishing,
And indulging.
But reason devoured the ideal.
I pronounced judgment:
You?
Of importance to him in anyway?
Blindness!
Senselessness!
Madness!
Be ashamed of your secret love:
Unreturned, unknown, and devouring.

summer has been crazy thus far...

I have a feeling that my entire life will be this way. I will constantly be running from one thing to the next! Not even summer will give me a break. Luckily, being busy makes it a little easier to be happy.

The main story is this: I started a job at an office last week and ended up quitting this week.

Red flag #1: I found the job offer on craigslist.

Red flag #2: I could not get hold of the person that was supposed to interview me. He finally called me and had me meet up with him at a park.

Red flag #3: I was told I'd be working with customers, and was instead put into a lonely room to make phone calls...I was a telemarketer (it was miserable!!)

Red flag #4: I was never given any legal paperwork to fill out, even after I asked for it.

Red flag #5: It was super difficult to get a hold of my boss.

So I finally quit. As it ends up, the office was not yet licensed to hire anyone or withhold taxes from employees. I am now searching for a job again...

Besides that, I've been doing lots of work for the party and the Christy Kane campaign, I got a pass of all passes, I'm looking into purchasing a car, I turn 18 in 11 days, and I'm preparing for TSA Nationals in Tennessee!:)

LOVES!

Just some graduation thoughts...

Hi people, May is always crazy. I feel like I say this about every month...so basically, my entire life is crazy. Here's something that I've been thinking about the past couple weeks that has been made very clear to me during certain senior events (retro skate, evening of excellence, and dinner/dance):

There's this group of seniors that I've always felt like I should have been a part of. They have the same values as me, they're all pretty intelligent, and I've had many classes with them. During 8th and 9th grade, I tried very hard to align myself with this group. I'd write birthday cards to them or ask the boys to dance at the school dances. I sat by them in classes and tried to talk with them.

None of this ever worked. I'm not really sure why, but I could never get myself to fit in with them. Maybe I was too forward, or maybe I just wasn't pretty or popular enough (which is what I've always felt). Part of it might have been because one of the girls in the group used to bully me. Another boy in the group I had a crush on for a while, so that might have made things weird. I don't really know why, but they excluded me.

Throughout high school, things were always weird with them. They talked loudly and openly about their social lives, but never invited anyone but themselves. They probably never noticed me or cared about me. Well, not probably. They didn't notice me and they didn't care. I moved on. (And don't get me wrong, they are very nice people. If they weren't I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of the group in the first place.)

During the senior events this past month, I've kind of been reminded why I wish I was in this group. Yes, I'm super happy that I have my best friend Lonso. I couldn't have survived high school with out him. Things would just be different if I fit in. I wouldn't spend Friday and Saturday nights alone when Lonso has work. However, I don't regret anything. Rather than focusing on parties and fun, I dedicated myself to school and now I have the scholarship I wanted.

Here's the point: once I was talking with my dad about some challenges I was having with people. He said, "it might not be your 1 year reunion, or even your 5 year reunion...but by your 10 year reunion, your classmates will regret not befriending you in high school."

It's not that I want them to feel remorse and sadness. My thoughts have been wrapped around the idea that I want to be the kind of person that people will wish they had befriended. I want to be successful. 10 years from now, I want things to be really good.

Sorry my thoughts are super jumbled...I hope I got my point across adequately. I love you all, and you can expect more posts this summer!

During the past month, I've had three experiences of rejection that were turned around. First was at a state competition. The judge told my partner and me that we had lost the round. Later we found out that though we had lost the round, we still won 1st place based on skill. Next, I was told that I was not a part of the 2012 class top twenty because they had used an unweighted GPA. I was heartbroken. The next day, I was informed that some teachers felt the list was inconclusive so they added four more names, including mine. Finally, I tried out to speak at graduation. I received a call saying that I was not selected. The following day, they told me I was. The top four speakers were so close that they decided to have all four of us speak.

From these three experiences, I've learned three things:

1. Change your attitude before your circumstances change. I was fortunate enough to have done this. If I hadn't, then I would have been ashamed of my feelings. I mourned each rejection, and then was in the acceptance stage by the time the circumstances changed to my favor.

2. God is mindful of me.

3. I have been prepared for real rejection. At some point in the future, I'm going to get rejected, or something bad will happen, and things will not turn around for me. I will have to be accepting of the circumstance without any expectation of a change in nature.

As for number three, I've been anxious to find out what the rejection will be. Last night, it happened. And it sucks. Being told that I'm not strong enough has only made me feel weaker. It's time to box up and store my memories for a time when they won't hurt me anymore. I need to pick up the broken pieces and start over again.

Loneliness.

Poem by Colette Bryce (and yes the title really is "+").

+

Through the cabin window's haze

we watch the black shadow of our plane

free itself from the underarriage,

separate, then fall away.

With it falls the sunlit runway,

grids of crops and reservoirs, then all

the scattered glitter of a city

falls, the tattered coastline of a country

plunges out of view.

And just when you might expect to see

the globe in brilliant clarity,

cloud fills the tiny screen

and we, who haven't taken off

at all, wait, seatbelts on,

for the world to turn and return to us

as it always does, sooner or later,

to fix itself to the craft again

at a point marked with the shadow of a plane,

pencilled now on a runway, growing

larger under Irish rain.

---

If you like poetry (Miranda), I'd really suggest looking into some of her stuff...I like what I've found so far!