February 23, 2011

August 12, 2008

"best friends forever"

oh my

It bothers me when girls talk about how they have "haters." Really? Or when they say, "I hate drama!" Because oftentimes, they're the ones who start it. They flirt with all the boys, and scream their personal lives to the world. They can't keep to themselves and their self-importance is obnoxious. They purposefully do bad in school so that they won't seem too nerdy. They pretend to be helpless so that a guy will come and "save" them. Embarrassingly enough, a lot of them truly are helpless. The worst part? Most guys find it attractive. Gross.

February 22, 2011


just getting by...

Hi, my name is uncommonly common and I have long hair.

I'm also behind in every class.

Oh, and I don't have friends anymore. This is fun...

I relapsed into depression last fall and It's still not gone yet. I hate feeling like I'm not myself. It's a disease that controls my life. I become tangled and lost. It chokes me and dictates every action. I no longer have reign over my own body. My weight has been unsteady and my emotions, even worse. The longer it lasts, the more difficult it becomes to cover it. People keep asking me what's wrong. They think it's okay to joke or tease with me. I just need someone to put their arm around me, and tell me that everything's going to be okay.

I alienate myself from the people I care about. I struggle with detachment. I would rather never love at all than love and lose it. I hate being with a group that means something to me, because I worry about it not lasting. So I leave; I cut myself out of the picture before anyone else can. They wonder why I'm no longer there at lunch. It's because I'm afraid. They don't understand, so they let me go. It's not their fault, it's mine. I just can't make myself change.

February 9, 2011

PMS monster

Yes. That's what I've been. All I want to do when I get home from school is sleep. And then at night, I just want to sleep more. I have horrid cramps, and random cravings. Not to mention, I've done some VERY rash things...Like quit hula for 2 months.

For the past 3 years, we've been discussing competition. December was the first time we actually got serious about it. We had the application ready to turn in and everything. Then, my teacher got worried that we weren't committed enough. All the hula-moms decided to back out. They didn't want to pay the money and said we weren't experienced enough to go to competition.

I don't mean to be sarcastically and horribly blunt, but how are we supposed to get experience if we never compete? Another girl in the halau, who went to competition a few years before I joined, said that if we went we'd just be disappointed. I honestly don't feel like I'd be disappointed, considering that I practice every day and I live and breathe hula. I'm really disciplined. My sister and I are the only girls in the wahine class that are at every single practice. We kahea and bend our knees like perfect little hula girls. We are at every performance. I truly feel we would do well.

But regardless, our halau turned down competition to Reno this summer. Instead, we're doing three local jazz competitions. All three happen to be during the school year, on days that I can't make. Now, I understand that it would be selfish of me to say that we should just drop those and go to the competition that I can make it to. But now the rest of the class is preparing for competitions that I can't go to anyway. They're doing dances that I've already learned. The other girls don't know them because they're not there all the time. So now the lessons are pointless for me.

Besides that, I've not always seen eye-to-eye with the girls and hula-moms in my class. I decided to take march and april off. With the play, I'm going to be really busy anyway. I think this will cut down on some stress and give me time to consider whether or not I want to continue with this halau.

Until then, redvines would be very much appreciated.