Just some graduation thoughts...

Hi people, May is always crazy. I feel like I say this about every month...so basically, my entire life is crazy. Here's something that I've been thinking about the past couple weeks that has been made very clear to me during certain senior events (retro skate, evening of excellence, and dinner/dance):

There's this group of seniors that I've always felt like I should have been a part of. They have the same values as me, they're all pretty intelligent, and I've had many classes with them. During 8th and 9th grade, I tried very hard to align myself with this group. I'd write birthday cards to them or ask the boys to dance at the school dances. I sat by them in classes and tried to talk with them.

None of this ever worked. I'm not really sure why, but I could never get myself to fit in with them. Maybe I was too forward, or maybe I just wasn't pretty or popular enough (which is what I've always felt). Part of it might have been because one of the girls in the group used to bully me. Another boy in the group I had a crush on for a while, so that might have made things weird. I don't really know why, but they excluded me.

Throughout high school, things were always weird with them. They talked loudly and openly about their social lives, but never invited anyone but themselves. They probably never noticed me or cared about me. Well, not probably. They didn't notice me and they didn't care. I moved on. (And don't get me wrong, they are very nice people. If they weren't I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of the group in the first place.)

During the senior events this past month, I've kind of been reminded why I wish I was in this group. Yes, I'm super happy that I have my best friend Lonso. I couldn't have survived high school with out him. Things would just be different if I fit in. I wouldn't spend Friday and Saturday nights alone when Lonso has work. However, I don't regret anything. Rather than focusing on parties and fun, I dedicated myself to school and now I have the scholarship I wanted.

Here's the point: once I was talking with my dad about some challenges I was having with people. He said, "it might not be your 1 year reunion, or even your 5 year reunion...but by your 10 year reunion, your classmates will regret not befriending you in high school."

It's not that I want them to feel remorse and sadness. My thoughts have been wrapped around the idea that I want to be the kind of person that people will wish they had befriended. I want to be successful. 10 years from now, I want things to be really good.

Sorry my thoughts are super jumbled...I hope I got my point across adequately. I love you all, and you can expect more posts this summer!

During the past month, I've had three experiences of rejection that were turned around. First was at a state competition. The judge told my partner and me that we had lost the round. Later we found out that though we had lost the round, we still won 1st place based on skill. Next, I was told that I was not a part of the 2012 class top twenty because they had used an unweighted GPA. I was heartbroken. The next day, I was informed that some teachers felt the list was inconclusive so they added four more names, including mine. Finally, I tried out to speak at graduation. I received a call saying that I was not selected. The following day, they told me I was. The top four speakers were so close that they decided to have all four of us speak.

From these three experiences, I've learned three things:

1. Change your attitude before your circumstances change. I was fortunate enough to have done this. If I hadn't, then I would have been ashamed of my feelings. I mourned each rejection, and then was in the acceptance stage by the time the circumstances changed to my favor.

2. God is mindful of me.

3. I have been prepared for real rejection. At some point in the future, I'm going to get rejected, or something bad will happen, and things will not turn around for me. I will have to be accepting of the circumstance without any expectation of a change in nature.

As for number three, I've been anxious to find out what the rejection will be. Last night, it happened. And it sucks. Being told that I'm not strong enough has only made me feel weaker. It's time to box up and store my memories for a time when they won't hurt me anymore. I need to pick up the broken pieces and start over again.

Loneliness.