February 22, 2011

just getting by...

Hi, my name is uncommonly common and I have long hair.

I'm also behind in every class.

Oh, and I don't have friends anymore. This is fun...

I relapsed into depression last fall and It's still not gone yet. I hate feeling like I'm not myself. It's a disease that controls my life. I become tangled and lost. It chokes me and dictates every action. I no longer have reign over my own body. My weight has been unsteady and my emotions, even worse. The longer it lasts, the more difficult it becomes to cover it. People keep asking me what's wrong. They think it's okay to joke or tease with me. I just need someone to put their arm around me, and tell me that everything's going to be okay.

I alienate myself from the people I care about. I struggle with detachment. I would rather never love at all than love and lose it. I hate being with a group that means something to me, because I worry about it not lasting. So I leave; I cut myself out of the picture before anyone else can. They wonder why I'm no longer there at lunch. It's because I'm afraid. They don't understand, so they let me go. It's not their fault, it's mine. I just can't make myself change.

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